


best left forgotten

by bipolar_chris



Series: this blood on my hands [1]
Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Guilt, Light's POV, M/M, Memory Loss, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, fix-it?, i still haven't decided if this is gonna turn into l/light, light has a heart, this is defo ooc but shhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:53:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24872602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bipolar_chris/pseuds/bipolar_chris
Summary: You don’t get to sleep until long after light begins seeping through the curtains, restless without the familiar sound of typing. It’s too quiet. Falling asleep is bad. Waking up is worse.light's perspective
Relationships: Kira & Yagami Light, L & Yagami Light, L/Yagami Light, Yagami Light & dEpREssIoN
Series: this blood on my hands [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1799731
Comments: 8
Kudos: 88





	best left forgotten

**Author's Note:**

> ive been reading too much ellen hopkins, so you get a second person fic from light's perspective during the memory loss arc. i might post a third person version later.

Higuchi is arrested. You should feel relieved, but dread pools in your stomach. And then L hands you the notebook.

Memories split your skull, the blood seeps down your neck, to your shoulders, arms, and finally onto your hands. How could you have fallen so far? Guilt eats at you like a flame beneath your feet. It makes you want to crawl into a hole and never come out, but here you are in a helicopter with a soon-to-be victim and you hate yourself, more than you’ve ever hated anything or anyone. Kira laughs in your mind, he wants you to continue his work. You think you’re screaming. You can’t go back. You won’t. 

“Don’t worry, anyone would be frightened after seeing that monster.”

You don’t know if L is talking about Rem or Kira. You don’t know if it matters. You can’t bring yourself to respond. You float through the rest of the day, but you’ve never felt more heavy. 

L uncuffs you, and you are grateful. Keeping your distance is the only way to guarantee you won’t be hurting him. 

Your bed is much too cold, much too large. You don’t get to sleep until long after light begins seeping through the curtains, restless without the familiar sound of typing. It’s too quiet. Falling asleep is bad. Waking up is worse. The clock reads 1:45 but you feel like you didn’t sleep at all. Dreams of blood and ink haunt you. You suppress the wave of nausea, instead hauling yourself out of bed. Your limbs don’t want to cooperate. They hurt like you are back in middle-school, growing too much too fast, the kind of hurt that shoots through your bones. Your skin feels too tight on your body. You head downstairs to your desk, but you know it’s pointless. You’ve found Kira. And you fear him. 

You hear soft footsteps approach from behind you, the telltale scraping of a fork on a plate stabbing through your ears.

“Light, how did you sleep?”

His voice burns. You don’t deserve to hear it. You don’t deserve to hear anyone’s voice. You deserve a lifetime in a 4x4 cell, all alone. Better yet, death. A final punishment. “Fine,” the lie slips out so naturally. It scares you how easy it is. 

L doesn’t speak to you the rest of the day. It seems too quiet without the constant accusations. You wish he could just find some evidence to turn you in. 

You don’t know if you have the strength to do it by yourself.

You go back to your room and think of death. By execution or… less desirable means, it is inevitable. Pills, knives, ropes. Heights. That thought stops you; it sounds all too appealing. A total free-fall, a release from the guilt and stress. It seems so easy. You tuck those thoughts away. 

Even so, a nagging voice follows you through your days. It beckons you to the roof. Who are you to deny it? 

It’s been three weeks since you remembered.

You make your way up the stairs.

Three weeks you haven’t had the guts to bring yourself to justice.

You open the door to the rooftop.

Three weeks you’ve wanted nothing more than death.

It’s here. 

“Light?”

You know it’s him without seeing him. It’s raining. You walk closer to the edge, as if you’re in a trance, the temptation too much to ignore. 

“Hello? Light?”

L is snapping his fingers by your face, trying to get your attention. You don’t hear it. The rain filters out all the noise. 

You step up onto the ledge. Look down. It’s a big fall. Much too big to survive.

“Light! What are you doing?”

You take another step, your last step, and close your eyes. You feel yourself falling, but it’s over too quickly. Rough concrete scrapes your...back? Your eyes open-- you’re still on the roof. There’s a weight leaning against your legs. 

“What the hell were you thinking?”

Your gaze shifts to the man kneeling beside you. His hand is still grasping your wrist firmly. You stare. Why is he here? Is this death, are you left to be judged by your only real friend? 

Rain falls into your eyes, mixing with tears. 

No, this isn’t death.

“Hey! I’m talking, you know.”

You don’t respond. You don’t think you could.

“Light, can you hear me?”

You can hear him, but it’s foggy and distant, like you’re watching a movie on the lowest volume. You try to stand back up, you aren’t leaving this roof by the stairs. 

L tugs on your wrist. “Are you being controlled? By Kira?”

A breathy laugh escapes. In a way, you think L is right. “No.” The lie scratches your throat and you realize you haven’t spoken since the day after Higuchi’s death. You don’t know if you ever want to speak again. You can’t stand the thought of lying as much as Kira. 

“Why were you up here?”

You don’t want to say it. Not in front of him. You push yourself deep into your mind like you always do when emotions start to seep through. Emotions are inconvenient. They get in the way of being who others need you to be. So you slip back. 

You don’t see how L guides you to your room. You don’t hear his concerned mumbling. All you see is the crazed glint in Kira’s eyes, his manic laughter as he pens the names to thousands

You don’t know when you fall asleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> i might continue this story  
> also i crave validation pls


End file.
